Love is blind, leeks are funny ... what a Bard crawl teaches you
Sydney Morning Herald
Saturday March 27, 2010
The Bell Shakespeare company is celebrating its 20th anniversary. To mark the occasion, here are the 40 things I've learnt from Shakespeare. Almost all sea journeys end in shipwreck. Masked parties are always a mistake as you'll end up with the most inappropriate person in the room. Never poke your sword into a moving arras, since you'll end up killing your girlfriend's dad. Always leave a fair gap between a funeral and a wedding, otherwise people will whinge that you're serving up leftovers. If you suspect your lover has committed suicide, get a proper medical opinion before doing anything rash, as they may be in some sort of coma. Speaking of which, it's nearly always a mistake to try to fool your fiance that you are dead. Bloodstains are hard to remove, especially if they are the creation of your own disordered mind. Don't believe prophesies, as they can be highly misleading. Forests, for example, can shift location for a whole load of reasons, global warming being merely the most recent. It's dumb to hand over all your assets to your kids after you retire. They may turn nasty. Before you know it, you'll be forced to cut back on the size of your retinue, and who needs that when you are 80? Love is blind. Jealousy is a curse. The leek is an inherently funny vegetable. Try to avoid being given a love potion while asleep, as they usually cause you to fall in love with the first creature you see, and LOL chances are it will be a donkey. An old friar, dressed in dull robes, is sure to be the king or duke. In politics, even best friends stab you in the back. If someone is beastly to their first wife, they'll be even worse to their second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth. Don't sign loan agreements in which the forfeit involves handing over pieces of your own body, even if it's presented as just "a bit of a joke", or "a wacky bit of small print", as it's sure to be taken seriously upon default. Life is short. Sorrows come in groups. It's tough being the boss. When dealing with identical twins, be alive to the fact that you may be mistaking one for the other. When making love to someone in a darkened room, have a chat first, because it's amazingly easy to end up having sex with the wrong person. The value of something depends on circumstances. There are times when you might be willing to give up everything for something as basic as a horse. Gravediggers are one of the more humorous professions. Pride comes before a fall. Ghosts appear at midnight. If a young man has a striking resemblance to your fiancee, then it's probably her, cross-dressing. If someone is overly strident about a particular position, they may be unconsciously revealing their uncertainty. Sometimes it's better to be cautious than brave. When in love, the moment of parting can be strangely pleasurable, in a painful sort of way. If looking for an unusual method of suicide, consider an asp. Don't be a show-off, either with money or knowledge. Even enemies deserve good funerals. A series of silly errors can be best resolved with a wedding. If having an afternoon sleep, don't do it in the garden, since this will allow a would-be murderer to creep up and pour poison in your ear. Folly and ignorance are the common curse of mankind. Regicide normally turns out to be a poor idea. If giving an official present to the King of England, try to do better than a set of tennis balls. If you want to find out what's going on somewhere, try popping on a disguise and hanging about. When dealing with issues of inheritance, always discount unctuous flattery, as it's an inaccurate guide to the sincerity of your relatives. Ambition, while sometimes useful, can also lead to behaviour that's immoral and, in some cases, criminal. The wiser you are, the more you're aware of your own ignorance and foolishness. When comparing a loved one to a season, it's best to conclude that he or she is superior to even the wonderful season you've chosen. A good reason to depart any locality is that you are being pursued by a bear. And, finally, never miss a chance to read anything written by Shakespeare.richard@richardglover.com.au
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